how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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