i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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