So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
