something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
