Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
