He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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