when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
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