Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
