i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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