I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
