I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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