The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
