Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize