Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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