They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
