I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
