i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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