Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
