I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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