Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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