I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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