I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What a dumb baby whore.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
