what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
