I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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