I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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