woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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