Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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