i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
