Your dad touched me again.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
