Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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