my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
