the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Randomize
