Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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