We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
