I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
