Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
