god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
