Will you blow on my dice?
you traded sex for a burrito?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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