My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
