onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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