If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The ass gains better be worth it
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