i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
