this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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