i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
