Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
