Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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