i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
