I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
