i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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