Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
