I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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