dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
