so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Boobs speak an international language.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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